i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
