I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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