i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
