What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just want nice things and good sex
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
