Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
zippers are such a cool invention
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
