it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
