forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
