No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
