Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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