My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
