i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
