They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
