if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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