why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
