i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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