Are we in a gay sports bar?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize