he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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