I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
