u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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