apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
