what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she told me i tasted like america
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
