i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Panties = found
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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