no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
