I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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