The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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