Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
