I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
