Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
