I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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