I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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