RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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