i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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