Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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