definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
