I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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