I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
