Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
