70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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