Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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