I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
