saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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