the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
