im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
