Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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