You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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