I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
