Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
There are leaves in my underwear?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
