just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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