i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize