Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
