i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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