There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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