i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
