I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
