an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
