guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
