if i can run in heels then i can drive
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
