Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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