is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
