He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I am naked and annoyed.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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