Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I wear drunk well.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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